Hey there Loves!
I am super excited about this post because it is by request! This month, a lot of parents and expecting parents have reached out asking how they can make co parenting easier. I am honored to share how I make co-parenting easy for my two baby-fathers.
Co-parenting takes place rather you are with your significant other or not. However, co-parenting becomes harder when parents decide to end their romantic relationship and just co-parent. There is not a handbook to parenting and bitterness from breaking up leaves children damaged, but this doesn't have to be the case for your family.
My goal is to help you co-parent successfully, while provide successful co-parenting tips that will leave you thinking of your child's other parent as your PARENTING PARTNER & FAMILY and not YOUR ENEMY. Hence, these co-parenting tips will give you a blueprint to make co-parenting easier for all involved and ensure your child is getting the type of parenting they deserve.
1. END ALL EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS
STOP being emotional and get logical! Co-parenting is the hardest when you all are still emotionally involved. Being emotionally involved looks like any of the following:
your still having sex (but "not together")
your baby's father or mother can make you angry you act irrationally ( good or bad )
If you are looking to simply co parent, but you are still having sex, reacting to what is out of your control, and/or acting out of character when if comes to the father or mother of your child, then the relationship is not over and the door needs to be closed properly.
REMEMBER you all are family not a couple! Just because you and the person you share your children doesn't want to be together anymore, doesn't mean y'all not still family. Family is people who are connected by blood. Hence, your children connects y'all for life! Once you end all emotional connections, you will start treat them like a cousin you don't like but have to love anyway lol.
2. ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES
Set the tone for the new relationship! Things have to change when you are no longer together or you will find yourself in a spiral of drama and emotional distress. Boundaries establishes the understanding that you all are simply co-parenting and nothing more. Boundaries also eliminates any expectations that you all had for each other when y'all were together. Most importantly, boundaries establishes respect for each other and the children who are experiencing a change to their environment.
Some boundaries that I have used to help be co parent effectively is:
1. No popping up at my home: this was convenient when y'all were together, but can cause problems when you are not together.
2. Calls have to be about the kids & No calling after bedtime hours: End the booty calls and argument calls; people can be childish and attempt to maintain control over you and/or your emotions by calling when they feel like it and its most likely not about the child.
3. Respect that we not together: this means demands and/or expectations become requests, arguments are not an option, & agreements must be honored. For example, you can no longer demand that a father picks his child up because he was the one that did it when y'all lived together. Once you are co-parenting schedules change. Therefore, an agreement and a schedule should be established so that there are no misunderstandings.
Establishing boundaries and understanding is something that should happen before you decide to have a child with someone, but the latest you want to do this is while you are pregnant. This will make sure that you both have an understanding of what is expected of each-other, how to raise the child, and how to co-parent together or apart. Don't be afraid of boundaries....its how you get your respect.
3. HONOR ALL AGREEMENTS
WORD IS BOND! When you decide to go against an agreement involving children it can be detrimental to ones job, the child, or other responsibilities. Also, when a agreement is broken, the child is directly or indirectly effected.For example, if dad promises to pickup the kids and doesn't, then several thing occur:
1. Child is disappointed- this can cause the child to act out or shut down
2. Someone is inconvenienced- this could effect work, school, and other duties. Being inconvenienced is my biggest pet peeve!
3. Trust is flushed- not only for the other parent depending on you, but your child will think you are a liar and no longer depend on you. You don't want to loose your child's trust! We don't live in a perfect world and things do happen. So, if you cant keep your word, then communicate that you cant meet the agreement, offer an apology, and make plans to meet the next agreement. This will stop arguments and keep the trust.
4. BE HONEST
STOP LYING! Be honest about your schedule, your feelings, and what concerns you rchild. Being honest is not telling your business, its maintaining understanding and trust. Meaning, there is no reason to lie about your schedule or anything not involving the other parent. Being honest about everything will further instill that you are done with the romantic relationship, that you can be trusted, and that you are doing your best to co-parent effectively.
5. TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN
CHILDREN ARE NOT STUPID! Kids are smarter than we think and understand more than we give them credit for. Therefore, it is important for them to understand the dynamic of their parents relationship and what to expect from each parent. Children have the right to know:
1. Where their mom or dad is: even if they never meet them, fill the void of wondering for your child with a kid appropriate explanation. For example, it's not wise to tell you child " your dad left us". Maybe you should say " your dad needs to grow up and when he does he will be back around". Hence, don't lie but be age appropriate honest.
If they have been living in the home, but are moving out, explain this to your child together so that they do not feel like they are loosing anyone.
2. When they will see their mom or dad: this is where establishing boundaries and agreements are important. You don't want to disappoint a child because they will NEVER forget it.
3. If mom and dad are together and if what it means: I struggled with this when I had my first child, being a young mom, but overcame with age. If you are not going to be together anymore, tell your children. They should know when and how their lives are going to change. It can become a emotional issue when a child is left out of changes in their environment. They can start to hate you instead of understand you. They can become depressed or feel a sense of lose. Don't let this happen to your family! Talk about everything because if you don't your child will talk about it to someone else. THAT IS A FACT!
6. REPRESENT UNITY Representing unity is showing up to your child's school events together and giving the child memories that they will cherish. I moved away from Chicago to finish school and give my daughter a better environment. This doesn't stop her father from coming to get her, coming to her school events, or coming to visit at our house. The picture above is a great example of representing unity regardless of relationship status is: when we took my oldest daughter to take her graduation pictures ( she was 5), I was in a relationship with YaYa's dad (Charles) and Adriyanna asked if Brandon and I could both take pictures with her and we agreed because that is what she wanted.
Simple! DO what makes your child happy and represent unity whenever you can because it will accomplish the following: 1. your child wont feel like they lost anything by the separation.
2. Your child will respect both parents
3. Your child will be emotionally nurtured
4. Your child will never feel like they have to choose sides
Most importantly, representing unity sets the tone for any new relationships you get involved in. If you all are always fighting or disrespecting each other, you will open the door for your new lover to be disrespectful to you, your child, and your parenting partner. This is seen to often and must stop!
Hence, a new comer to the family, should also have boundaries and respect the dynamic of your relationship with your parenting partner and the agreements that you both have to meet.
Side Note to all parent and expecting parents:
There are too many broken homes, and far too many in minority communities. So, if you have not decided to permanently close the door on you child's mother or father, consider communicating better and saving your family. Its is possible!
That's it for today y'all! Sorry this post didnt have a lot of pictures, but it was more about the message! Please share your thoughts below.
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Thanks so much for chilling with me
Cheers to being the REAL you!
XOXO
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